The next chapter 💕

Hi everyone,
So tomorrow marks a week since my last post, it was deep, it was raw, and well it knocked me. I needed to take a bit of time, I hadn't expected to feel so vulnerable once it went out there, but I did, I felt vulnerable and paranoid and exposed. You see I hadn't really thought it through, I never really think things through and yet I'm always amazed when I end up in unexpected situations, but that's how I need to write, I like when I sit down and just let it go sometimes it takes an unexpected turn and it just works, you don't get that when you try to plan, even with this post I've no idea where I'm going with it but bare with me...
I wrote from the heart last Sunday and I published my post and only then went back to read it. I cried into my coffee, I mean I don't really think back to that time too often, that girl I once was, she was so lost, so alone (by choice) she was so closed off, so guarded, so lost in her battle against her negative outlook and she really had no idea that the world was at her feet, she was so blinded by self hate and doubt and too paranoid to let anyone in, and letting it out in my post well it just made me feel sad. My heart brakes for her, my heart breaks for every single one of you who messaged me afterwards who find yourselves battling similar demon's if you can take one thing from my post, take this... It gets better, but not on its own, you may not feel strong enough you may not think your worth the fight, let me tell you, you are!

After posting Sundays post I flaked, I mean I lost my shit, I instantly regretted it, I scolded myself for being so dramatic, I felt embarrassed and lost, I put the kids into the car and drove to the cinema, it was the perfect escape, you see like I said earlier I just hadn't thought it through, my husband was away for the night and I was alone, I wanted to ring him and cry hysterically so he'd come home, he'd know what to say, he always knows what to say.. But fortunately I didn't succumb to my irrational neediness, I put a brave face on it and just about managed to get the kids to bed before breaking down. My friend, you know the one I mentioned in my last post, the one who knows of my dark side and all its ugliness, she texted, she called out to me even though I insisted I was fine, she still called in her PJs at 11pm, we had wine, we laughed and she made me see what I'd done was actually pretty amazing. Then it hit me, I've come so far, I'm not that scared little girl anymore, I've fought my demons and come out the other side, that girl never would have been able to have been so open, baring all her shit for the world to read about, I've grown up and I've learned to love myself, I've stopped doubting myself, I'm capable, more than capable and I'm giving two fingers to my anxiety. Yes, some days it wins, but these days I'm more aware of when its rearing its ugly head, I'm in control, it no longer controls me. So as the week went on the doubts got smaller and smaller, mostly down to the amazing feedback from you all, your messages really mean the world to me 😘.

Now, as weeks go this week was pretty up and down, the kids went back to school Tuesday my eldest into 2nd class, my middle divil into junior infants and my baby started playschool. I wasn't prepared for the influx of mixed emotions that plagued my soul... I wasn't one bit prepared and after baring my soul on Sunday I really felt hard done by. It started with a trip to Mc Donalds on Monday evening for our tea, we said we'd treat them (and us) before they went back. I love routine, I love how I always get the Mc chicken sandwich, the husband gets a big Mac meal, and three chicken nugget happy meals for our three little people... Then, without warning, the eldest pipes up, all big eyes and innocent expression... "Daddy, actually today could I have like a normal sized chicken wrap meal?".... Was she for real... We stared stonily at each other... How did we get here... How was it that time already... Was she really declaring she had outgrown happy meals?!  My head raced, the blood drained... We sat there staring at her as she ate the whole frigging thing. It was just another confirmation on a long list of confirmations that things were changing in our little family dynamic, we are steadily sailing past the baby/toddler stage. For so long that's all we've known, I mean I'm a bit of a pro at it and the husbands got the baby thing down too you should see him on a labour ward or changing a nappy he makes me proud, I'm all like yep that's my hubby 🙌 but now were readjusting things, and I can't lie, I did wobble a bit watching the baby make his way into playschool, my heart twinged and my empty arms made me feel inadequate, I was just about to drive home and try talk himself into "just one more" when I spotted "the baby" throwing a fit over something being the wrong color and the poor teacher trying to talk him down... needless to say my senses came crashing back down around me and I hightailed out of there free as a bird!!

You see its hard work this parenting malarky that I stumbled upon 8 years ago, and we've pretty much been on a baby train ever since, but now we're getting off and although I'll miss that newborn smell, the endless cuddles, the ooing and aweing and everything that goes with it, I think I'm over it, and I know the husband is definitely over it so we're diving in head first onto the next stage, not having a clue about what we're doing but acting like we got this.. I'm pretty sure that's what parenting is, and I'm pretty sure that by the time we're moving onto the stage after this one, we'll be pro's at this part too... Well hopefully...

So yes its been up and down, but I'm excited, I'm excited for what's to come, my kids (when they're not killing each other and or threatening to kill each other) are pretty amazing. They have big beautiful hearts, even bigger smiles and I just know they're going to make me one of those annoying mammies who never shuts up boasting about all the things that they'll accompliish, it'll probably be here on the blog in 20 years so keep reading 😂

One of the pro's of them getting bigger is the little window of free time, it's just plain lovely I mean I hardly know what to do with myself, I'm thinking of joining the cross fit gym, I'm thinking of running more, I'm thinking of reading more, I'm thinking of coffee and chats with the girls, and wine nights, and weekends away, but I'm also thinking of my babies, and of me, and I'm proud and I'm happy for the very first time in a very long time I'm truly happy and yes the world is at my feet only this time I can see it, and I'm going for it because life's too short to be anything but true to who you are.

Thanks for reading,
Xxx mammysbrightside 😘😘

PS. Like everything I didn't really think this whole blog thing through, I'm doing it from my phone, my phone with its cracked screen and dodgy battery because the laptop currently is home to keys C Z L M and 123 and I've been putting off getting a new one because along with the dodgy battery phone we are also battling dodgy internet so although its not much to look at yet please bare with me, I'm on the laptop hunt this week so hopefully I'll then be able to throw few pictures in and brighten the place up a bit 😆😘😘

Comments

  1. Lovely words x keep going, you're doing brilliantly x

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  2. Claire I live for your blogs they brighten my whole day knowing that we are all in the same boat... I love reading them and will still love them in years to come. Thank you for been so real and sharing your stories with us xx

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  3. Your blog is so refreshing. Beautifully written and describes what most mammys feel, especially when the move on from the happy meal!! Who knew that would make us emotional, ha ha. Brilliant work x x

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  4. Your blog is so refreshing. Beautifully written and describes what most mammys feel, especially when the move on from the happy meal!! Who knew that would make us emotional, ha ha. Brilliant work x x

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  5. Claire it's so refreshing to see someone being so honest and true love ur blog hun u should b so proud everyone can relate to it in different ways xxxxxxxx keep it up

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  6. WOW what an amazing piece of writing it took me all morning to read jst the 1st 2 paragraphs as I couldnt see it through my tears (soft begger), so inspiring claire. Every word you wrote is exactly what every mam feels and you are so brave for going and putting it all in words we are not alone and either are you. So can't wait for your next piece from a not so shy little girl anymore but a fabulously petit woman with a big voice well done claire done ever stop ��❤❤

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  7. Claire - what can I say... I wish there had been internet when I was at your stage... and I wish your blog existed back then too! Wonderful writing...honest, open, articulate... Well done, keep it up! Xx

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  8. Thank you all so much for reading and for your lovely comments they mean the world �� xx

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