Change.

November. Sweet sweet November. Dark evenings, cold, wet weather, warm hearty soups and stews, tea, coffee, hot chocolate, comfort food, wooly jumpers and early nights... bliss.
Movitation level - Fucking. Zero.

We had a week off for midterm break last week, I was so looking forward to it, no rushing, no assignments, no study, just about enough time to recharge and have some quality time with the kids and maybe even do some housework.  Firstly, I'll take you back to the week before we broke up for midterm, Child 3's toilet training issue was well on its way to becoming a much bigger issue than it ever needed to be, after endless failed attempts I gave in, pulled the pull ups back out of the press and put them back on him, telling myself next week ill be off, I'll have more time and patience and it'll be grand. Child 3 had other ideas. Child 3 decided he didn't really need to piss... ever... even with a pull up on he was point blank refusing to go. I was at my wits end, his sisters never had an issue, toilet training them was ridiculously simple I barely had to give it any thought before they were fully pledged knickers wearing toilet queens.. the absolute fucking dream.  But no Child 3 likes to push the boundaries, I don't know if it's because he's a boy or because he's the youngest, to be honest I don't really care why he constantly pushes me to the brink over every little thing, no, right now I'm far too busy just wondering what's fucking next?... Hes a very determind little boy, stubborn af, part of me rejoices at his stubborness, at his energy to put up a fight and his absolute determination that he will win that fight... every fight. That part of me is all like yep, thats my boy, she's standing quietly in the corner of my mind with a little flag cheering him on with all her might and trying her best to convince the other 70% of my mind that these personality traits will ensure him success in life so throttling him is probably not the way to go. Anyway back to the issue - he was holding it so bad he was getting pains down his legs, in his tummy, he was getting so worked up and upset and I just didn't know what to do, I felt like probably the most useless mother on the planet, especially when the playschool rang me, apparently he was carrying out the same behaviour in there and they were worried it might be a sensory issue. Mammy guilt hit me full force across the face, I knew he didn't have a sensory issue, I knew he just needed me to stop using props and wall charts and bribery, he needed me to bring it back to basics, I mean who doesn't love a self proclaimed rapping/singing/dancing enthuasiast for a mother. I basically just needed to spend 20/30 minutes at a time on my knees singing, rapping and reading to him about the "wee and poo, going down the loo".. He loved it.. He was quite literally pissing himself laughing. And pretty soon he caught on that every time he said he needed to go he was guaranteed mammy's undivided attention and I think he probably loved that more and it seemed to encourage him to keep it up, Fast forward one week and Child 3 was finally a fully pledged underpants wearing toilet King and proud as punch so proud that to my dismay he felt the need to pull his pants down and show off the famous underpants on more than one public occasion. So if your in the midst of toilet training or will be in the near future, don't bother with all the props, piss pots and stickers, just get a seat and a step that goes on your own toilet, buy some sunglasses and summon your best kanye impression and watch the magic happen... that right there is sound advice mammys... happy training :-)  :-)

We spent the midterm break cooped up in the house 2/3 of the kids were sick, I didn't really mind, infact, if I'm really honest there's a huge part of me that loves when we can't go anywhere, it's just us, in our own little bubble, away from all lifes realities, we spent our days colouring, watching films, setting up various car and train tracks, cooking, eating, cuddling and having the chats. This is my happy place. This is where I am at peace. This is where anxiety and all the shit that goes with it can take a run and jump. My mind has been in overdrive ever since, I'm starting to worry, fret,  that I won't succeed, I find this time of year particularly difficult, its so dark, my motivation abandons me, I almost always flake out on life around this time of year, I just want to curl up in a ball and wait. Wait for it to be over. I almost always do exactly that year after year, I hibernate. Like a fucking bear. Except I'm not a bear, and it's not acceptable behaviour from a 28 year old mother of 3 to constantly be consistant at flaking out and hiding in a bubble, however beautiful she's made that little bubble. My minds been in overdrive because this year is different I need to keep going to college, I need to keep exercising, I need to keep doing all the things I have been doing that result in me being the best possible version of myself because I cannot, will not, give up.... again. I need to prove to myself that I am capable, if for no other reason than, well, getting to see what happens if I don't give up, I'm very well aware of my usual cycle, I seem to have some commitments issues. Other than my husband and children I don't think I've ever truly commited to anything or anyone in my entire life. I'm flaky. That fucking word is popping up a lot tonight!! But it's true, my thoughts have been consumed this week with the course, I'm doing this course to receive a qualification, and subsequently to gain employment. That was/is the dream to be a normal person capable of holding down a job, capable of keeping my exercise and wellness techniques in full flow whilst also being mother of the year. I'm scared though, scared that next May will fly around and I'll get a job and eventually I'll flake,  because I'll find it all too much to cope with... Again. These are the doubts occupying by mind, but to be fair these kind of doubts occupy my mind frequently, the fear of failure has triumphed in my life, I've allowed that to happen. Nobody else, just me.

So what can I do? I could continue to torture myself mentally about the what if's.. Or I could be pro-active.. I could do something I havn't done before, I could maybe just take it day by day and stop fretting about what will or won't happen next year.. Exercise and food are two of the major factors that influence me I know that, they are also two major factors that I have complete control over... the gym is always the last thing I want to do lately, so I've decided to try something different, I've signed up and "commited" (fuck you flakiness) to an at home exercise and food online coaching thingy, it starts Monday its 5nights a week 45mins in the comfort of my little bubble, and I'm excited/nervous to try to brake the cycle and try to implement change. Change is good. Change is tough. But change is desperately needed at this point. I will of course keep you all posted on my progress, however good or bad it maybe..

Stay tuned.

Thanks for reading,
Mammysbrightside xoxo

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