Daddy

Grief, loss, emptiness, just some of the emotions that jump to the forefront of my mind when I focus in on death. I don't tend to focus in on death very often, this might seem like a very morbid post, it probably is. I'm probably being selfish. You see I need to write it, I need to free the thoughts from my mind, I need to let it go and get my elsa on... full fucking throttle.

11 years ago I lost my Daddy. Biologically he was my Grandad but in my heart and in his, he was my Daddy, the only one I ever knew or needed to know. He put me on a pedastal and held me there very dearly for the first 15 years of my life. He showed me love and gave me the stability that I so desperately craved. He was my safe, my constant supporter, even during those massive teenage fuck up's. He was my home. He was always there, always... Until he wasn't.

I can still recall our last moments, the vision so clear it takes my breath away, his voice, his smile, his walk... his hands, his hands always stand out in my mind, I'm not sure why, maybe its because at 15, my daddy still held and cuddled me like I was that 3year old girl who never gave him a moments peace and who never left his side. Maybe it was because at 15 I was a struggling, insecure mess who was desperately lost but when his hands were around me I felt like nothing could get me, he silenced my demons without even knowing it. I always remember sitting snuggled into him watching friends (die hard fans) listening to nanny pottering around the kitchen (probably making us food) and just staring at his hands, the lines and "clean dirt" (he was a carpenter... well he was a bit of everything, I honestly don't think there was anything he couldn't do) in those moments I was completely at ease, my heart was happy. You know when a memory is so strong that you can almost smell the scent of "those days". Those are the types of memories I have of him, of our time, sometimes I feel like I have such strong memories of him because they're not just in my mind, they're engraved deep in my heart, bound to me, never to be lost.

Its life I know, with love and life comes loss. I don't really talk about him, I don't really visit his grave very often and to be perfectly honest I try not to think about him too often either, I mean yes he comes into my mind every single day, but I don't zone in on the thoughts, I can't. It hurts too much, 11 years later and the pain is still too great for me to bare, it physically hurts my heart. Its his birthday on Thursday so every year on his birthday and on his anniversary (10th June) I have no choice, I give in, I zone in, on my thoughts, on my memories of him and I struggle to stay afloat of the pain. I don't like standing at his grave, for me I just don't believe he's actually there, I like to think he's here, around me, in the wind, the rain (the nice rain that falls straight) shining through the rays of sunshine that beat down on my face and fill me with freckles. I know he's with me, I couldn't possibly explain how I've been so blessed otherwise. But still, he's not. Not physically.

Loss is such a huge hurdle, does it define us? I don't think so. Does it influence who we become? I do think so. How could it not? It sparks an anger within you, it cuts you to your deepest core. It makes you question everything you do, suddenly everything needs purpose, why am I doing this? Is this worth my time? Life is short but life can be so so sweet. My daddy loved my nanny and his family with all he had, he worked hard his entire life, he was proud and he was happy. Sometimes I think we forget. Sometimes I think we focus on materialistic crap way too much, sometimes I think we neglect the basics because we are too busy trying to impress society. Love the people, love "your" people with all of your heart. Give your most precious asset... your time. I don't think any of us will ever regret the time we spend with loved ones. Laugh at yourself. Dance freely (I definitely have hippy tendancies but fuck it like) spend time doing things that make your heart happy, things and people that will give you those memories that go so deep they are engraved into your heart and soul.

Happy Birthday for Thursday Joe
Forever in my heart and soul x. RIP
#mammysbrightside

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